How to Not Mess Up Your Kids (Part III): The Instruction Manual You Never Got

I know what you are thinking right now. Duh, I’m a therapist! All (terrible) joking aside: it’s a common sentiment regarding topics related to mental health, parenting, marriage, whatever- that anyone who tells you they know “the answers” to such complexity is lying or trying to sell you a bill of goods. Ah, but we want the answers! Even though we know: when you jump ahead to the end of the book, it ruins the book. Thus the great internal conflict that both plagues us and keeps us going. We can only do our best to stumble along this path… meander along this path, skip along this path (as my mom would, she’s a big skipper), fly along this path! Like Rilke said, we must “live the questions”… But wait, did Rilke have kids?

Personally, I like to fly on this path, or to float along, sometimes to slow down, to walk hand in hand with my child. Now and then she runs up ahead, sometimes I turn back, other times we are disconnected; not on the same road at all. The most helpful “answer” perhaps: It’s all ok! Because it has to be; we are humans on this road that like New York City streets, is always under construction. And as a NYC cabbie might, we can lean out the window and shout, “Hey Rilke, you suuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!!!!”, but it won’t change a thing.

Step One: Cultivate a healthy relationship with your thoughts and beliefs about parenting.

We need to come to terms with the wide array of emotions and experiences that this road holds, for us and for our children.

Today, I’m behind the wheel and driving a Rari down this road. Sometimes though, I blink (or there’s a potty training incident that also involves the dog… the concept of flush is so hard! Please, just decide it’s not a part of you already, child!!!) and I’m back in that brown Ford Thunderbird in 1998, blasting the new Mase (24 hours to live on repeat). I let out a rebel yell and feel awesome for a second… then bad, bad, bad.

Normal. Hard, but normal. Ok, maybe not the Mase part, but you get the idea. 

To do our human best, is to be mindful in order that we (as discussed more in depth in Part I of this series of posts), have a healthy relationship with our thoughts and beliefs about parenting. We must keep moving forward- but not set sail, an ugly mishmash of Mary Poppins and Thelma and Louise- off a cliff.

So that’s the first step. Spend lots of time there. Re-read the first post in this series. Journal about this, or… navigate away from this page and never look back- continue on your own wild ride! Joy ride? High speed chase across a busy parking lot?

Regardless, attempt to keep your stress from rising to the level of overwhelming and instead let it motivate you to do something productive. If you are working on the things that I’m about to outline and you need help, come back here.

Behavior tends to stem from feelings, feelings from thoughts, and thoughts from beliefs. Too often people attempt to change their behavior, feelings, and/or thoughts, without getting to the roots, the source: the beliefs. Going about it that way is really, really hard and successes are fleeting at best. One then runs the risk of spinning their wheels and reinforcing negative belief systems in the process.

So if you need help, come back to the first 2 posts in this series. Spend more time on the groundwork. Parenting requires many a pit stop.

Step 2: Map things out, but don’t get stuck on this step.

By the way, what are you driving these days? Oh nice, your car has a rad engine. You are a hard worker and you got yourself the best. It’s the latest stuff, but it does need maintenance. Ok, I might be taking this too far- I’m fully not a car nerd… but I might be a huuuge therapy nerd.

High end engine components are (as stated in Part II of this series): unconditional positive regard for your child and an understanding that your relationship with your child should ideally form the safe base from which they develop the ability to regulate their thoughts and feelings and develop a positive sense of self (healthy attachment).

You also got sick navigation. Remember, though- it needs software upgrades from time to time. And before I lose all credibility from the Mase reference, here are the nuts and bolts of the GPS (as posited in Part II of this series and supported by the work of Jernberg and Booth (2010)): the 4 components of healthy attachment; nurturance, structure, engagement, and challenge.

*The framework is good enough parenting.*

Nurturance:

Touch your child in safe and loving ways and do so often. Nurturance is not just physical touch. Make eye contact. And we can deepen our nurturance by thinking about it in certain ways- it sounds super corny, but in a moment of connection, imagine kind of losing yourself in your child’s eyes. Imagine love flowing from your eyes, into your child’s. Or, in maintaining a connection with your child, try to notice the beginning signs of trouble (often around transitions, when short on sleep and/or food, or around achieving new developmental milestones) and simply place a hand on your child’s shoulder preemptively. See how things change. The mind-body connection is amazing and that extends to connecting with another person, too.

Maybe corny, maybe uncomfortable, but next time you have an opportunity- think these thoughts! Notice and cultivate a nurturing connection. Trust me, you will not turn your child into a weirdo. Kids of any age drink this up- they need it. You cannot overdo it, as long as you pay attention to the mutual back and forth that is relating to one another.

Chances are, you will be surprised at how your interactions change and deepen and that overall, things go more smoothly. In fact, jump on any opportunity for nurturance. For example, this includes lovingly paying extra attention to boo boos. Don’t worry, you won’t reinforce an overreaction to hurts unless you react with anxiety or unchecked emotion.

Also, think of your words as avenues for nurturance. For example, notice and verbalize how strong your child is. This, not only nurturance but relationship building, facilitates healthy attachment, not to mention promotes your child’s development of a positive sense of self.

Instead, in a misguided attempt to teach their children, parents often withdraw affection (disconnect), when a children struggles. Children typically communicate emotional struggle through behavior (commonly seen as misbehavior). Naturally we feel repelled, but this is when they need us the most. Ah, the mysteries of evolutionary psych.. However, nurturance/relationship building, when done alongside of structure is actually the key to meeting your child’s needs in these often harried circumstances.

Keep in mind- the goal is to help your child develop executive functioning abilities (self-regulation) while maintaining your connection with your child and attempting to avoid messages that induce shame or a negative sense of self. A genuine, “I’m sorry that this is hard for you (nurturance), but I still can’t let you do that (structure).”, is a brief illustration of this, what I refer to as “magical combination”. Difficult to get used to, but surprisingly more effective in both the short-term and long-run (when consistent).

Structure:

Of equal importance, is structure. Children need limits and boundaries in order to feel safe and develop the abilities to regulate their feelings and behavior, as well as in order to have respect for themselves and in turn others. You might know some children who have not been given any structure. Perhaps your parents/caregivers didn’t do structure. Healthy attachment should be taught in high schools, alongside of child development.

Structure also includes routines, consistency, and predictability and leads to trust (that safe base) that is essential for healthy attachment. Humor and playfulness help, but for most of us, structure is the trickiest of the 4. I, and many of my friends and colleagues consider janetlansbury.com to be an online bible of sorts for insight on this topic. I’ll give a brief overview of my thoughts on structure for our conversation here, but I’ll leave most of this to Janet, as I admit that the phrase WWJD (What Would Janet Do) may have been uttered at a playgroup or 2 (50).

In our culture the term “discipline” is often used as a synonym for the idea of providing children with structure. To the contrary: being comfortable in your role as parent, in order to teach your child to regulate themselves, from within themselves- teaching self-discipline- should be the goal.

Many times, parents talk about using threats or corporal punishment as effective forms of discipline. While these tactics may produce what look on the surface to be desirable outcomes, the child is actually accomplishing a behavioral goal because of an external force working on them, rather than developing internally driven intrinsic abilities. Furthermore, a young child is not able to distinguish themselves from their feelings and behaviors, thus these tactics often reinforce shame and undermine our goal of assisting our child to develop a positive sense of self.

Uh… this seems hard.

It is!

We humans are programmed to desire control and I probably don’t have to tell you- this includes your toddler or your teenager. But to rise to the challenge (and develop our own confidence and competence-based core beliefs) is to break out of patterns that don’t work and to set and work towards parenting goals that we can really get behind, in order to establish new habits that in turn lead to everything going so much more smoothly for both our children and ourselves. Countless books and websites focus on this topic, so which way is the right way?

Remember that children are not born with the ability to regulate their thoughts and feelings (executive functioning/emotional thermostat) or a sense of self. Optimally, they need your help with this development. Thus the right way is that which is attachment theory derived. Janetlansbury.com is based on attachment theory, and thus can be trusted to get it right. As a licensed psychotherapist with over 10,000 hours of post-graduate, clinical practice (and a refined, evidence-based theory for practice) I can attest to it’s efficacy.

However as mentioned, what I am presenting and what Janet writes about may run contrary to what we think about “discipline,” and/or what we experienced ourselves as children. We say, but I turned out OK! Yes, but only you know the reasons that you are reading this right now. What we do know for sure is that there are reasons. Furthermore, try to think of one person you know who is not at least a little crazy… ok, keep reading. 

And read Janet’s blog (even her responses to comments), ideally with critical thought, self-awareness, and an eye towards moderation. Try out her suggestions. Stay calm, resisting the natural urge to disconnect in the midst of mayhem, and instead practice this magical combination of structure alongside of nurturance/relationship building. You will be amazed at how quickly even some of the most difficult issues are (often easily) resolved.

Engagement:

This magical combination also requires that you engage with your child. A million times yes! And a million times also, get me ouuuut of here!!! When my 3-year-old screamed in my face just as I finally got the baby to fall asleep (albeit in my arms), my instinct was not to engage with her in a loving way. I’ll say no more about that one. And so often we hear, “Put down your phone and engage with your child!” Talk about guilt inducing, cue shame-spiral…

To be honest, we often don’t want to put down our phones! Does this make us bad parents? Bad people? No, we feel this way for reasons. Determine what these reasons are, address them, and adjust as much as you can.

If this means making more time for yourself, do it no matter what. Quality over quantity here. For many that means TV as babysitter and in small amounts (and sometimes larger even!) Daniel Tiger is not going to hurt anybody. The aim again is good enough parenting, folks. It bears repeating: perfection (in ourselves or others) is unattainable and would be terribly boring. Elsa voice with vitality (you know you love it): “Let it gooooooo!”!

Another, maybe more salient reason is because when we engage, we are not doing so authentically. Authentic engagement is a term that can become a mini mantra and when fully understood, changes everything. Authentic engagement means truly being grounded in and connected to, the moment. When you are also mindful and authentically engaged in your “me time” and across the board in fact, everything goes better, parenting included.

For example, if the game is pretending to be mommy cat and baby cat (personal example), do your best cat impression and really get into it. Connect deeply to the back and forth between you and your child. It is truly SCARY how well I can purr! Really though, I saw fear in my daughter’s eyes and had to dial it back. I mean- I must be developing close to Broadway caliber acting skills from all this imaginative play! 

However, if my mind is on the laundry, on work, blank… blank… blank… Nespresso- I will not enjoy this. And nobody would! If instead I’m noticing the glee in my daughter’s eyes, the further I arch my back and break into a hiss (authentic engagement), I can’t help but enjoy! Or at least burst into laughter. It’s ok, go ahead and picture me (hint: I look like Minnie Driver with a longer nose and crows feet). Laugh a little too. You’re still reading this, so you could probably use it!

Another thing we forget about engaging with our children is that, as with all aspects of attachment, it is not a one-way street. Despite the laughs, kitty got old! This is where structure, and being comfortable in your role as the parent comes in: We are taking a break from kitty.

Challenge:

But yeah, it’s hard. Many a pothole to be expected. You try to avoid them, but sometimes they getcha! Oh well, it’s during these pit-stops that we seem to always find we need a new air filter anyway. So expect and even welcome the challenge, and just as important: we must allow challenge for our children.

No helicoptering! We hear this so often, but what does it really mean? We can’t be helicopters, but we need to be engaged? We need more to go on…

Healthy challenge means allowing for developmentally appropriate risk-taking. In the statement that healthy attachment forms a safe base, from which the child grows and learns, it’s the “from which” that implies the challenge.

When a child is afforded the opportunity to take a risk and accomplish a goal, just like us, they feel competent and confident. Healthy challenge often requires adult help, but looks different depending on the task and development of your unique child.

Take the common example of a child acting out in the grocery store. Parents everywhere can agree that the situation is challenging, and not just for the child! It’s pretty hard to understand, at 2-years-old, why you can’t take the items off the shelves and eat them… Even as an adult, my husband can tell when I make the mistake of going to the grocery store hungry (enter 2.81Lb bag of smokehouse almonds meant for giants)! Even if you are not hungry, in this situation, like so many- it’s extremely difficult to meet your child where they are at without a plan.

A plan could look like talking about the task ahead of time, having a snack in the car, planning for how to handle this situation with your child, reminding your child of the plan in the moment, and sticking to the plan throughout- even if this involves calmly leaving if the child falls short of accomplishing the goal, reminding them, “it’s ok, you are still learning, we’ll try again a different day”.

Taking a few minutes to do this in the parking lot before going into the store and having a few failed attempts may feel like a lot. In the long run however, the child develops the required skills more quickly, more easily, and again with the child’s sense of self remaining positive and that sense of competence and confidence growing. But it’s hard. You need a mantra: challenge is opportunity for growth.     

Step 3: Go!

Many if not most of our interactions with our children involve a combination, on some level, of all 4 parts of healthy attachment. Set a goal to first just notice them. You might be surprised that you are already doing really well with this, or you may notice that you struggle with any or all of these areas.

The way that we form attachments with our children can be deeply tied to how our parents formed attachments with us, as well as to our current mood and emotional well-being. For example, many times parents struggling with anxiety have excellent instincts that would lead to healthy attachment, but they are not able to access them due to clouded thinking. Furthermore, it is the norm that some of these 4 aspects of attachment come easier to some than others.

Did you read this and recognize right away that one area is particularly hard for you? In looking for these 4 aspects of your interactions with your child, did it become apparent to you that you struggle in one or more areas? Or that you child does? Again, attachment is a 2-way street.

For example, a child with Sensory Integration Disorder (a relatively rare disorder, but just as an example) may not be able to accept physical nurturance in a way that supports this part of healthy attachment and the help of a therapist is needed. Whatever the issue, talking through it with a licensed therapist with expertise in this area can be extremely helpful. Journaling and/or processing your feelings and responses in whatever way that works for you can also lead to insight, resolution, and meaningful change.

…

The other night, I messed up. I forgot my 3-year-old was 3 when she, overtired and possibly over indulged, was rude to our neighbor. In my own haze of 2 months of no sleep with a new baby, I acted as if she was 10! And when I apologized in the morning, I told her as much.

That’s funny, mommy! she laughed. Yes, I said, it’s funny now saying it, but at the time I was tired too and my words were hurtful. I’m still learning too! but I am sorry.

Taking her hand and looking her in the eye (nurturance and engagement) I said, next time I will go with you (structure and challenge) because you still need me and that’s ok (unconditional positive regard, structure, challenge). Just like me you are learning still how to talk when you are tired and that’s hard (nurturance/relationship building).

Squeezing her hand, maintaining eye contact: next time we can practice ahead of time, how to leave when it’s time to leave and I’ll stay with you when you say goodbye politely (nurturance, structure, challenge, engagement, boom!!!!!!!). If that works better, then you can try going alone again the next time (challenge). She nodded her curly little head, grinning- excited, ok mommy, I can’t wait!

 

Sometimes, expect to and welcome even- messing up, getting lost. I got lost for quite a bit in my 20’s, it was (mostly) great fun! But don’t go off a cliff. The cliffs are closer this part of the terrain, though trust that the road is solid ground. In order to form a healthy attachment with your child, you must trust this road.

Alone, in my quiet bedroom, I planned the above conversation. I’m trying! Because it is important, and attachment/relationships are both our biggest challenges and greatest joys. When you have something to go on- when you develop and come from a perspective informed by attachment theory, take good care of yourself, and read the book of (insert child’s name here)- the hardest and most important job in the world will be that much easier.

So that’s the navigation… I feel so much gratitude for this work and the maps that it’s given me. Also, I remember actual maps- I’m 36 and I’m from Maine. I’ve spent many a good time driving along those back roads, but there is uncharted territory yet… and I’m so thankful for it. These little shiny ones are showing me the best spots yet!

Hopefully this helps you experience a truly beautiful ride, too. Still, there may be a few boogers on the window.

 

The wilderness is dense up in Maine and as the old loggers say signing off: “keep it between the ditches”.

 

Bottom Line

Your relationship with your child (attachment) forms the safe base from which they develop the ability to regulate their thoughts and feelings and develop a positive sense of self. There are 4 key components of healthy attachment: nurturance (physical, verbal, relationship building), structure (clear, predictable limits and boundaries, comfort in your roll as parent), engagement (authentic engagement from a mindful place), and challenge (allow developmentally appropriate risk-taking, with support when needed). Work on these areas in the context of maintaining unconditional positive regard for your child.

Take good care of yourself and reflect on your own attachment history and how these 4 components feel to you. Remember that perfection is not the goal, but be mindful of areas where adjustment could be helpful and welcome the growth that comes from the process of adjusting and connecting with your child from a new, more healthy place. Repeat the following mantra’s like the Jesus Prayer until they settle in, beating inside of you, close to your heart. I’m not even kidding.

 

Helpful mantras:

“Live the questions”

“Unconditional positive regard”

“Nurturance, structure, engagement, challenge”

“I am comfortable and confident in my role as parent”

“I’m reading the book of “insert child’s name here”

“I am aiming for good enough parenting”

“Let it goooooo!”

 

 

-Alisa Reed, LCSW-R

 

References:

Booth, P. B., & Jernberg, A. M. (2010). Theraplay: helping parents and children build better relationships through attachment-based play. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.