I ran parenting groups before I was a parent. Yes, somebody actually let me do that and believe it or not, it was not a disaster! In fact, the theory that guided my work then, remains the same 8 years and 2 children of my own later. The backbone of my theory for practice and for parenting is based on a combination of simple ideas stemming from attachment theory. I draw on it consistently both to help others, and now as a parent myself in order to quiet my own normal, healthy fear (as discussed in detail in part I of this series of posts): Am I messing up my kids?  

 A woman named Mary let me run those groups. Mary is a nurse by trade, but a social worker at heart. She interviewed me for the position of Social Worker in the Children And Parents Together (CAPT) program at Family Service League in Bay Shore, New York. At the time, Mary was in her 60’s and had run the program for over 30 years. Not to mention raising her own 5 children! I remember her asking me in the interview, if I thought that it would be an obstacle that I myself didn’t yet have kids.

Perhaps a dodge, I explained to her that I had been so fortunate to have training in Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy by it’s co-originator, and likely the most brilliant therapist that to this day I’ve ever seen in action, Dr. Dan Hughes. We discussed my training and experience in Theraplay and work with parents/caregivers and children post-adoption. I also described to her my work with children diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder and my work providing outpatient mental health therapy to the most vulnerable children and families, in an inner city setting at the largest elementary school in the state of Maine.

Mary must have started to regard my small stature, childless, single, late 20’s, Mainer in New York self a bit differently as I began detailing the philosophy that guided my work with every child and parent/caregiver that I had worked with in the previous 3 years: attachment theory. She gave me the job. She was also possibly a bit desperate.

A leg to stand on:

I’d like to think that my knowledge and experience in attachment got me hired, but what I do know for sure is that it’s what made it possible for me to run those parenting groups. My confidence and competence stemmed from my firm beliefs: it’s all about attachment and I have a deep knowledge and understanding of attachment! I wasn’t yet concerned about messing up my own kids, but I knew that in the right circumstances, I could provide effective help for even the most complicated parenting issues that others were dealing with.

I was also able to break attachment theory down for Mary in a clear and concise way- a way that the parents and caregivers in our group could, and you yourself can easily understand and put into practice. Developing this knowledge and skill set answers the question of how to not mess up your kids. Such development can be the source for your newfound confidence and competence and make up a positive and accurate belief system that when faced with the challenges of parenting (as discussed in detail in part I of these series of posts), should be at the root of your response to this often weighty stressor.  

The breakdown:

Ideally, your relationship with your child forms the safe base, from which the child explores, learns, and develops.

What makes this base safe? Predictability, consistency, your confidence and competence in the role of parent/caregiver- trust produces the safety.

What is this safe base made up of? The work of Dr. Ann Jernberg, a pioneering attachment theorist and researcher who developed her theories in the 1960’s, breaks the parent-child relationship down into 4 easy to understand, key components: nurturance, structure, engagement, and challenge.

In the next post in this series, we will explore each of these 4 components of healthy attachment, but for now let’s focus on context.

Healthy attachment in context:

What is our goal here again? Let’s get a little more specific than not messing up our kids. Ideally, a healthy, secure attachment, a true safe base helps a child to develop the ability to regulate their thoughts and feelings and helps them to develop a positive and secure sense of self.

Contrary to pretty popular belief, we are not born with an emotional thermostat that regulates our thoughts and feelings. These executive functioning abilities develop in the brain’s frontal lobe, but not spontaneously. The input of parent and exchange between parent and child is key.

Dr. Hughes explained this process to me as akin to a computer disk downloading from the frontal lobe of the parent’s brain into the frontal lobe of the child’s. He asserted that it’s the relationship between parent and child- even between parent and infant- that is the facilitator.

Though not born with an emotional thermostat, we are in fact born with particular personality traits. How we see and experience ourselves however, our very sense of who we are, also largely comes from the messages that we get from our environment. The strongest messages emerge from the relationship(s) that we have with our primary caregiver(s)- from this attachment.

High stakes, yet plenty of opportunity:

Whether about ourselves or about how to regulate ourselves, this learning process need not be perfect. Child and caregiver both need, in fact to make mistakes. It is in this messiness and a dynamic, mutual back and forth, where growth happens and that thermostat really gets fine-tuned.

When mistakes happen in the context of a relationship that is loving and with unconditional positive regard, a positive sense of self develops too. This becomes a mutual process of growth, connection, and true love!- love of self and others.

Let’s be honest: a healthy relationship with your thoughts and beliefs about this topic requires that we accept that we are going to mess them up. And as a parent myself now, I do see it in technicolor- we are never going to be the same either!

But a mess can be beautiful, ugly, fun, difficult, easy, interesting, wonderful too! Life is designed this way. This messiness is actually essential for healthy attachment.

Understanding this, accepting this, but also having a solid base of knowledge to go on – instead of weeding through all the info out there, which can do more harm than good – is a start.

To do our best, is to develop and come from a perspective informed by attachment theory, take good care of ourselves, and in the words of Mary who became a mentor to me and over the course of an extraordinary career helped countless children and families, read the book of “insert child’s name here”. The hardest and most important job in the world will be that much easier.

Bottom Line:

Work on context first:

-Maintaining unconditional positive regard for your child sets the stage for healthy attachment.

-Your relationship with your child should form the safe base from which they develop the ability to regulate their thoughts and feelings and develop a positive sense of self.

-Remember that perfection is not the goal, but be mindful of areas where adjustment could be helpful. Welcome the growth that comes from the process of adjusting and connecting with your child from a new, more healthy place.

Helpful mantras:

“I have unconditional positive regard for my child”

“I am developing a base of knowledge that I feel confident about and can draw from as needed.”

“I’m reading the book of “insert child’s name here”.”

 

 

 

 

-Alisa Reed, LCSW-R